Sven and Ole are out on vacation and Rodney Dangerfield is filling in

Before the 12:01 a.m. frantic posts start on Monday asking why folks can't e-file, how about a break brought to you by the king of one liners:

Rodney Dangerfield Quotes About Childhood

• “I tell ya, my family were always big drinkers. When I was a kid, I was missing. They put my picture on a bottle of Scotch.”

• “When I was a kid I got no respect. When my parents got divorced there was a custody fight over me... and no one showed up.”

• “In my life I've been through plenty. When I was three years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.”

• “I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.”

• “When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.”

• “I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, ‘Wait til it gets warmer.’”

• “My mom took me to a dog show, and I won!

Quotes From Rodney Dangerfield About His Wife

• “My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.”

• “I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.”

• “My wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.”

• "My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat."

• “My wife’s not too smart. I told her our kids were spoiled. She said, ‘All kids smell that way.’”

• "Once, somebody stole our car. I asked my wife if she saw who it was. She said, 'No, but I did get the license number.'"

• "My wife had her driver's test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear."

Self-Deprecating Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

• “I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous, everyone hasn't met me yet.”

• “A girl phoned me the other day and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.”

• “I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.”

• “On Halloween, the parents send their kids out looking like me.”

• “I have good-looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.”

• “My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.”

• "When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, 'I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through.'"